Dear Fans,
I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.It’s so funny how many stories are put out there about people. It’s like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth. I don’t know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn’t be here.
Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don’t think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn’t know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.
This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if anyone is a family person…it is me. When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time. I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own. A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough.
I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter…to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a “bitch.”
I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me. I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America. I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.
I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.
I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want…and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That’s God’s job. I can’t wait to meet him…or her.
Love, Britney (Late-May, 2007)
Hey guys is really cool mother’s day is today, but I am really just thinking about getting my hands on Garbage’s new album tomorrow.
(Source: citizzenerased)
“It’s unbelievable what’s happened to Lana Del Rey! It’s shocking misogyny. I look at her and say, “What more do you want?” Here’s a beautiful young girl who tried her hand at being a working musician under her own name and it didn’t stick. She had the fortitude to go back to the drawing board…
This one is pretty great.
#61tracks
I go deep into thought and I think everything is going wrong, and nothing is the way it is suppose to be. And I know I’ll never change, I’ll remain unmotivated for the rest of my life, and never accomplish anything worthwhile. But then I snort a line of speed and everything makes sense. And I am invincible again.
(Source: madonnaspussylicker)
(Source: dolinska)
May 8th, 2012
New York
Angsty as fuck. Today was a tough day. Seeing a person who was once your whole reason for existance lay inside a coffin, completely lifeless. It makes you think the weight of the soul. Today I experienced one of the most poignant moments of my life. I truly never thought I’d see you again under these circumstances. My fear, and regret eats me inside while I completely remained serene and composed outside. But don’t be fooled is just the amphetamine I’ve been auto-dosing on for the past five days. I got to stay focus, I can’t allow myself to fall into a depression pit. Not right now. Mostly, because I am scared of how dark I can dig within myself. This whole day the image of your dead body I can’t escape. It springs up in my mind and I quickly fill the build up of tears rising up my chest. There is this nod. I quickly have to push them aside and repeat to myself “don’t do this to yourself.”
I don’t know how many times I’ve said how sorry I am today. I feel a million wouldn’t be enough to let you know how truly sorry I am for this. All of this memories we had together. Those happy happy times we enjoyed before it all fell apart. Before the horse shit stunk up the whole place down. I remember your kisses, your hugs, your touch, your voice, your power, your allure, your courage. God I loved you so much back then. You changed my life. You were a catalyst into what I am today. Whether good or bad. Fucked up or not. It’s all you baby. It’s funny how all those memories have been repressed for years. How after the break up I trained my brain not to associate anything beautiful with your image. I forgot how good you were to me. And now I am just scared so scared to have all these memories rush back into my brain’s bloodstream. I am afraid that I’ll miss you so much now that it is too late. And then regret takes over because you tried to reach me and get in touch with me every year since. But I never replied.
I remember that time I traveled two hours to go see you to make sure you were okay. I walked Manhattan in the middle of the night into public housing just so you wouldn’t be alone. I never gave myself to anyone as I did to you. After the break up I promised myself I would never go anywhere for you ever again. And now five years later look at me I traveled miles to come to your wake, to see you one last time, and to make sure you were not alone.
I will see you on the other side.
Rest in peace
